----- Original Message ----- 
From: Mudsticker 
Sent: Sunday, January 25, 2004 9:43 AM
Subject: Dear Alcohol


Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours
and have the upmost respect for what you do. My friend, you always seem to
be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game,
and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm
us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately
I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you
have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some
unwise consequences. While I must take responsibility for my actions, I feel
you have played a major part in repeated decisions detailed below that
rarely seem to work out.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of
substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call
friends, family members, Mike Ditka, ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact
they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone at all hours of
the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking
is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili
sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie and some stale chips (washed down
with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese
curls and chili cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think
you went too far this time. FYI, Burrito's should be eaten one at a time
without two bottles of hotsauce.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I
need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the
issue home by causing me to fall down, it's completely unnecessary. The
black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is
beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get
the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often
clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are
banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs,
sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals,
traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with
people I clearly don't like when I'm sober? Yet they suddenly become my best
friends when a flash is presented?

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I
most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see
if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is
illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the
brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement,
especially in public. Please stop me from talking to the girl with the
crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why are they so
appealing to me while I'm with you and why are they so disgusting to me the
next morning after you have worn off??

6. Money: When we are together it is rarely a good idea to go to
the casino, stripclubs, buy shots for the bar, place wager's on
games, or enter tough man competition's. I appreciate your aggressive
approach, but remember we are playing with my money here and we rarely come
out on top. Unless you are ready to start pitching in, we've got to ease up.

7. Finally: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous now. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m -hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions
are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to
bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the
hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or
Sunday (or any day for that matter)activities. It's only fair - you do your
part, I'll do mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and
would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker
of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my
pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully
think about the points I made above and address them immediately. I will
look for an answer no later than Friday 4pm (pre-happy hour) on your
possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you from your biggest fan.