Anniversary Runs (?)
You may have your own definition of what the "anniversary runs" are, but the one we are currently using at the Montreal HHH has something to do with a celebration of repetitive bodily abuse and heavy drinking amidst much social intercourse (there may also be other names for this, yes....). This orgiastic frenzy has modest beginnings in the form of run number 25 of the Montreal HHH (which you doubtless know about) and if you can still read this after the party which has doubtless preceded its distribution, you have not enjoyed yourself sufficiently. Get back to work (now!). You can also redeem yourselves tomorrow as the aforementioned frenzy climaxes with run number 26 on Mont Royal (directions to car park supplied separately).

Old News
Your scribe missed last weeks run so might be considered to be short on news to report; however, as I understand it the HHH have never let facts stand in the way (or be of assistance) and will therefore proceed undaunted.

Lucifer cautions all to be aware of the one-week-old "numbskull award" to be associated henceforth with the greatest perpetrator of "stupid Hasher tricks" on any given day. See inevitable demonstration during the run and display in "the Circle." Feel free to make nominations.

Zebedee apparently provided much amusement to awe-struck locals last week during an unrehearsed display of slip-sliding away. Dead Animal reports that the locals "pissed themselves" with peals of childish laughter amidst much lamenting over the lack of a video recorder to capture the moment.

We have a new name amongst us. During ceremonies last week one of our members retired to his car and apparently dialed in a medical call-in show on his radio. A captivating discussion of the way to detect groin rash was heard and (get this) actually reported to the Grand Master afterwards as an explanation for his absence. It will come as no surprise to most of you that this individual will forevermore (or at least until he tops this behavior) be referred to as "Groin Rash." Welcome to the club.

Hashing Terms
Selectively reprinted without permission from the Tokyo Ladies Hash (a.k.a. Tokyo Hash House Harriets) Manual: The average running pack may be classified into three sub-groups:

1. the "Hearty Joggers" (Hoggers) (also known elsewhere as "front- running bastards," Ed.). For hoggers a hash is a chance to relax from marathon training and to show off. They run simply as an alternative to homicide or workaholicism.

2. the "Sporting Runners" (Spawners). Spawners run for fun in between doing something else like sex or tennis.

3. the "fine Artists" (Fartists). Fartists are there because fate willed it. Some of them turned up because they thought hash was something you smoke, but stayed to avoid losing face -- although that would be a blessing for some of them... Others arrived out of intellectual curiosity and stayed in fascinated horror. Almost all Fartists are in love with, or worse, married to Hoggers or Spawners. Conversely, most of the rest of the pack fancy the Fartists.

It is vital to the health and bonhomie of any Hash that there be a fair sprinkling of all three groups. The successful Hash is the one enjoyed by all and it can be done. The trick is to make the Hoggers run themselves silly, keep the Spawners busy and get the Fartists home before they decide that love is not worth paying the price. It should be possible for a Fartist to get around the basic trail in an hour. During this time the Hoggers should be deluded into running nearly double that distance and the Spawners something in between.

In a Word
To those inquisitive souls who wonder about the origins of the name "Hash House Harriers" (and who are also too lazy to ask those who might actually know), we offer the following speculation (next week we might actually ask someone who knows what can I say - I'm a guy, and we never ask directions).

The following is all based on definitions from The American Heritage Dictionary of the English (sic!) Language (hereafter AHDEL) - but what do they know, I suppose?)

The AHDEL defines "hash" as:
"a main dish of chopped meat and potatoes" "a jumble, hodgepodge or mess"* "a reworking of material already familiar"*

The asterisks indicate definitions that appear to have some relevance (however fleeting) to what we fondly know as "hashing." A "reworking of an already familiar mess" would seem to sum it all up nicely with the exception of the inexplicable omission of any reference to flour.

By the way two soon-to-be-virgins (an odd concept surely, unless one believes in a time that curves back on itself) both assumed that it was "flower" that was part of hashing. Explanations for this misunderstanding are still lacking. I would be remiss in my duties as raconteur if I neglected to mention that both were francophone and both were women (both were also named Martine). I am assured that correlation does not imply causation, but in the absence of better explanations, I am free to form my own conclusions (I have also been assured that I am free to make new friends -- if possible) . Donate your opinions and we will report them sometime in the future.

The AHDEL defines "house" as (among other things):
"a family line including ancestors and descendants; especially a noble family: House of Orange." This must be the right one -- House of Hash? "a public house: a drink on the house. " This, too, sounds suspiciously relevant to our activities.

OK so we may have nailed down a bit of an understanding of the relevance of both Hash and House; what of Harriers? At first glance this seems obvious (but then so did "house)" but it is more involved than you might think.

The AHDEL defines "harrier" as:
"one of a breed of small hounds" "a cross-country runner (from Hare)" Decoy -- too obvious! "one that harries"
very helpful that last one, but when one digs, one finds gold:

The AHDEL defines "to harry" as:
"to raid; to sack; to pillage"

Suddenly all is clear. This must be the ultimate derivation; cross-country runner was simply a decoy or a fortuitous coincidence of some sort. So,in summary we do have an aptly named group based on my observation of what typically passes for Sunday afternoon entertainment in these here parts.
QED.

The meaning should now be clear and we also see that the HHH is a peace-making blend/melange of French and English that should please all Quebec residents: The verb "to harry" is from the Old English herigan. "House" from the Middle English, "house.." "Hash" ultimately derives from the French -- hachis from hacher, from Old French hachier, from hache, ax. Perhaps in deference to this we should organize a run with, wielding axes -- rumor has it that we were referred to as "savages" last week -- if the shoe fits

One potential problem: 2/3 of the name is derived from English roots. This may present a problem with certain local authorities. I suggest the following solution that we henceforth reference ourselves as the:

Hash House Harriers

("Harriers" is in the original in 2x the font size as "Hash House," a reference (obscure) to the Quebec language laws that require "prominence" be given to French and that it appear twice as large as English on signs).

Alternative francophone appeasement solution (toute en francais):

'ash 'ouse 'arriers
(a reference to the general lack of pronunciation of "h" in French and in francophone English).

OK -- the truth (maybe): Even The American Heritage Dictionary of the English (sic!) Language has a definition of a "hash house" (and it is not that you think). It says merely " a cheap restaurant." I suppose it is possible that the HHH is merely a bunch of "a breed of small dogs that hang out at cheap restaurants, but I prefer the more romantic view of a collection of sackers and pillagers (from a noble line, including ancestors and descendants), reworking an already familiar mess (with flour) while waiting for a drink on the house. Take your pick .