Run #204
Pumpkin Patch Run
October 22nd 2000
"The Pumpkinless Run"

by Kristal Tits, Hash Scribe

Preface
I would just like to say right off the bat that this story does NOT involve barf-eating cats or high drama rescue operations such as last week’s hash apparently did. It does contain mention of a dead squirrel however, and has the big advantage of actually being written down, which is more than I can say for Double Fisted’s (expected) hash trash for last week. Let’s hope that now that Dead Animal remembered who had asked for the down-down notes, she will be able to deliver.

Also, it must be mentioned that this hash trash will take at least 10 minutes of your time to read, and is considered "verbal diarrhea".

Hashers present: Neutron Bomb, Witchy, Flipper, Pop-a-Weenie, Panty Ho, Grande Poutine, Mustapha Kunt, Abbot, Yogi, Double Fisted, Painted Knobs, Captain Canada, Bl*w Job, Marco, Skinflint, Louise, Wank My Moose, Total F**kup, Poo Bare, Old Cheddar, Turkish Delight, Eat Me, Numbskull, Dead Animal, Max, Retard, Bushman’s Thong, LOB, Raymond, and yours truly.

Hares: Foxy Lady and Lick-my-Lizard

New cummers: Florence, Mathieu, Quintin, Jane, Elizabeth. A bunch of downright wholesome and dull names if you ask me.

Weather report: GOR-geous, simply MAR-velous autumn day, clean and crisp as a freshly starched shirt. Some complained it was "chilly", but they were stripping by mid-run as usual. (hello there DF)

First in: LOB, the FRB, and some other guy. LOB was in fact so fast that none of the shiggy stuck to him. Maybe he’s a teflon-coated cyber being sent over to invade the Earth. In any case, he was laughing at the rest of us as we struggled to take the crap off ourselves. We can’t say we weren’t warned however.

Last in: a bunch of gossiping walkin’ talkin’ "loooossserz" (to be said a la Jim Carrey).

Markings: The markings were great. Plentiful and strategically placed, they were also extremely thoughtful. Foxy no doubt had foreseen her hubby’s needs and left some toilet paper for him at various secluded locations. Others took advantage of the convenience as well.

The pre-run: I got there in empress DF’s charriot along with the GM and the empress herself. We were having a stimulating thought-provoking discussion revolving around the quotes of those modern sages, Britney of the Spear and Christina Igadalayer. Once amongst hashers our IQ s came plummeting back down again.

Miraculously, LML was on time. Probably only because she was haring the damn thing.

While milling about awaiting the start, I started a conversation with Mustapha only to have him turn away as I was in mid-sentence. It was only the beginning of a disturbing trend in this prof’s behavioral pattern.

Bushman’s Thong was there on time, but headed off towards the farmhouse and said "I’ll be right back". He most likely went off looking for a young maiden to ravage in the hay. It took considerably longer than he expected and he was late at the start. Later on I noticed the apple pie girl had a contented expression, so we can assume he was successful.

The only other occurrence of any interest was the debate sparked by the duct tape Turkish the caretaker had tacked the tattered tit with. DF claimed, falsely, that MacGyver was the king of duct tape. We all know that this is not true and that Red Green is the undisputed master of the grey sticky stuff, and my correct opinion was rather uselessly backed by the male contingent loitering around the tractor.

The run: Once the nice little warm-up loop down to the water’s edge where the rabid dalmatians live was over, we settled in for a great run. We FRBs passed the walkers at the first check, and they were eating our dust from then on. Not much else to say other than it was real perty. Even the dead squirrel on the highway seemed to smile as Yogi ran over him, sending maggots flying in several directions.

A couple of losers short-cutted (legally or otherwise) and payed the price either by getting scratched up (Panty Ho), or by getting an infraction for subsequently calling (Numbskull).

French kissing the Numbskull

Strawberry fields forever…or at least long enough for me to get a "cropping" infraction, a nod to the horsies and it was back to the carpark to scare some children. It was too short, but since Foxy’s still limping a little, this was as good as it gets.

Best advice: "Oh yeah, don’t touch the electric fences around the horses." (courtesy of DA)

The circle: After some dawdling, we payed our dues and went off to the fields where fewer people would have to bear witness to our drunken rambling procedures. I think the way they put it was "Go away you’re frightening the children".

Standing about some more, I was lauded for my previous hash trash and immediately told how to do it better. Thank you Abbot, for enlightening me on the correct spelling of "newcummer".

Pop-a-Weenie regaled us with tales of people launching themselves off train tracks in cars and flying to their deaths. Right after that, Mustapha told me the quaint story of a school assignment wherein he had to raise a calf with love and care only to sell it for slaughter at the end of the semester. This combined with other sociological factors must be the cause of at least some of the affective disorders he suffers from. He then went on to argue that students were sub-human, and it’s at that point that I went for another beer.

Foxy was at this time completely engrossed in the sexual antics of the three horsies, commenting on the swishing tails and who was going to mount whom. On finding out that it was two guys and a girl (stallions and mare), Turkish agreed that this was the best arrangement. Lucky horse.

Down-downs: Louise and Raymond finally got hash names, thanks to the former’s "daytripper" down-down. Louise is now "On Your Knees" and Raymond was called "Kneel and Bob" (or, possibly, "Neil and Bob"). It could have just been Neil (Louise) and Stan (Raymond), so that when someone yells "assume the position!" they know exactly what to do… but I digress.

At one point the beer levels got down to "critical" and the GM was asked to stall as Yogi and Captain went out to save the day. Once again our superhero action figure wannabe pulled through and we were spared the horror of a beerless circle. Three cheers to you both! you are gentlemen and scholars…

Double Fisted enjoying her enhancements

I got one for being too literate or too long-winded, take your pick, Neutron Bomb and BJ got one for "promotion", which really wasn’t the case with BJ. He was just shuffled back downtown. One who DID recently get promoted chose to remain silent and kept pouring beer. Her always gregarious significant other got a cold one (and they were cold, folks) for "non-participation".

Milestone runs: 69-Yogi, Eat Me, 50-Cheddar, 5-Painted Knob, Panty Ho. About this last one it was heard said: "hey, not bad for someone we picked up in a bar". True, and I say that about most my boyfriends, too.

Also of note, LML was caught with a cob of corn and two apples in her pocket. She was obviously going to try and put together an anatomically correct scarecrow, but the project was abandoned after the head (Witchy’s knobless pumpkin) was kicked around and shattered.

After Numbskull’s heartless cry of "shut up kid!", it was all we could do to make it up to the pretty little colour-coordinated baby. LML tried soothing her, but it took the maternal instincts of Mustapha (and his pair of tits) to ultimately calm the noise-making organic-waste producer (that’s "kid" for you non-PC folk).

Finally, the down-down of most interest went to Painted Knob and Grande Poutine for "makin’ out in the Cheddar mobile". They seemed only slightly embarrassed as their "hash pashion" went public. All the female hashers want to know is, how "grande" is the "poutine"?? * wink wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean, know what I mean *

The whole thing ended with Captain and his "moon" poem, an event that prompted some to point east and cry "proctologists that way!"

The on-on: The food was delicious, even though some complained about the pumpkin soup tasting oddly like vegetable soup. The apple pie was delicious, and the beer as well. All in all a great day.

Miscellaneous: Some people are too quiet. Eat Me, Max, Poo Bare, Skinflint and a few others will start appearing in random roles in future run reports if they don’t start acting up a little more. You’ve been warned.

Lounging by the tractor

Cheers to Flipper, Witchy and Turkish for thinking up the costume requirements for next week’s run: dress up as a hash name.

Enough drivel.
Comments, questions and suggestions can go to hell.
-The Gulp (aka Kristal Tits)