Montreal Hash House Harriers

Hash Trash, R*n #236 (St. Lazare)
26-May-2001

by Double Fisted, Hash Scribe

69-with-a-swine or
"Damn-it,I-hope-it-doesn't-rain" R*n

Hares:
Woody, Zebedee

Hashers: 
Abbot, Bl*w Job, Brillo, Bush Pig, Captain Canada, Count Chocula, Double Fisted, Eat Me, Flipper, Foul Balls, Foxy Lady,Lavatory, Poutine, ‘Lil Weenie, LOB, Mustapha Kunt, Neutron Bomb, Numbskull, Nutcracker, OAP, Old Cheddar, Oral Supplement, Poo Bare, Pop-a-weenie, Princess Valium Charming, Skinflint, Speed Hump, Teletubby, Tigress, TFU, WOB, Pacemaker, Teenie Weenie, Sierra, Teletubby Husband, John Labrie, Christine, FLAB, Moonman, Joe, Kiaran, Claude, Allan, Dave, NoHo Road Ho, Plastic Jesus, Captain Hook, Lars, SAV, Easy Ride, Panty Ho, Linda, Eric, 5 McGribby's, 


Weather:
Sunny, wonderful weather ... are you mad? Cloudy, then light showers. About 20 degrees. I can tell you the water was 19 degrees or 80% shrinkage. Pretty good considering the weather report said rain all day.


Pre-Trail:
A while back, I was complaining that my memory was bad due to old-age and marveled that Krystal Tits can remember the most mundane details. (Ok, she's like 7 years younger than me and is in much better shape. I give her that! But all that hair has GOT to be a burden, somewhat like brain suckers.) She gave me her tape recorder and a fresh tape and told me to "Go forth and multiply" - oops that was someone else ... "Go forth and record!" 

So I get up to ready myself for the hash and Jane tells me that she can't go. Too much work. Anyway, I drive alone to St-Lazare and find myself one of 4 hashers: Woody who CLAIMS to be a hasher but I have never met and I've been hashing for almost a year, Captain Hook, not quite sure how he got his name, and Plastic Jesus, whose name was the result of a trist in Boston.

I settle myself down for collecting money and we all chat and make nice. Eventually others came by and paid and complained about the hats. (Note to self: Noone is ever happy.) 

Of course a hash wouldn't be a hash until OAP says, "Ok, its 1:10 now, let's go!" At this point only a fraction of the hashers were there and I am sure they weren't horribly interested in going yet. We all sprayed ourselves with bug spray but by that time, I had already collected 3 or 4 bites. They still itch to this day and I think I may amputate a leg to relive the pain. The torture!!

Trail:
The trail was run down some horsetrails for which St-Lazare is famous. From what I can see, more than half of the streets there have equestrian related names. It was also full of horseshit. Some on the ground and some running.

The trail eventually had a wimps/ rambos split and me being me took the wimps split. The usual suspects were running with us and we picked up some girls who were looking for the runners. 

We ran up and down these sandhills that were hell to climb. I pictured myself being engulfed by fireants like in a movie I saw when I was ten. It was quite lovely but then I realized we ran a large circle in and out of the woods. 

We ran into the walkers and saw Teletubby with her husband and Sierra. Sierra was not happy and I thought she should have gotten a down down for crying. We reentered the woods with the walkers and continued the lovely trail. At one point while I was running alone, I heard a ruslting in the woods about 15 feet from me. It reminded me of a horror film where the killer pops out of the forest with the chainsaw. But it was more terrifying than that, it was Bl*w Job!! *SCREAM*

The trail ended and we returned to Woody's home and pool. Some runners are already back and were lounging around. 

Post-Hash:
Many of us tried the pool and found it quite f*cking cold. I ventured in and then Road Ho decided to just take it up the ass and dive in. Little Rose wanted to come in as well but then she didn't when she realized the water was too bloody cold. Anyway, she eventually loved it, especially when Road Ho carried her around, but who wouldn't love that? Half of the guys there were drooling over the thought. Moonman totally revealed himself to be ready for FLAB to pop one out. (I think they are practising enough.) TFU and Moonman with their respective kids played joust. Most of all the kids had great fun. Foul Balls insisted on trying to gnaw off Moonman's arm causing me to wonder exactly what happened between the two of them.

I changed and then it started raining. Panty Ho was kind enough to fetch my shoes and umbrella out of the car. The latter being immediately being taken as the official GM umbrella since NS didn't have enough brains to bring his own. 

As it continued to rain, some hashers were busy putting up tarps to protect us but mainly to protect the precious swine. Dang that swine sure smelt good. 

Anyhow, I got fanagled into pouring down downs. Where's Muddy Nipples when you need her?

Down down's:
Well, another week where the GM buggered off with the down down list or rather he exposed them to the elements and refused to give them to me. I've also noticed a pattern, whenever he gives me the damn list I never have time to write these reports. Quite frankly, I am not even sure if you wankers are even reading this. :P

Ok, from memory…

LOB, Mustapha Kunt and TFU for doing 100 runs!! MK did a good job on the beer but TFU and LOB drank a bit then poured it over each others heads. Nice example for the kids guys!
Bush Pig for doing 10 runs. During the evening she repeated several times like she just performed heart surgery. Well, apparently she was performing an oral exam on someone but you didn't hear it from me.
Grand Poutine, Mustapha Kunt, Tigress and Easy Ride for being latecummers. 
Double Fisted for having the best wet t-shirt. I don't know why you people are even looking!! And it was actually a tanktop. Men!

We did a song too, Swing Low. It was nice to see so many people brought together with music and song. 

Yes, there were a lot of RA offenses as well but I don't remember them. I'm sure there were a couple for daytripping, calling on shortcuts, etc…

As most of you noticed, I was provided with a tape recorder by the bushy Krystal Tits and kept it going a good part of the evening. Someone actually said that I was the "best scribe ever." But I am positive he had never even read one of my trashes. Those damn Ottawa hashers. Apparently he saw one of my spreads in Penthouse. Ick.

Moonman, Captain Hook, Plastic Jesus, and FLAB entertained me for part of the evening. Quite funny, those outside hashers. Everyone was especially funny due to the copious amounts of alcohol I consumed during the evening. Before Moonman fetched his lovely wife, he demonstrated some oral movements she prefers. This was a sight to see as many men are quite lacking in this function which every woman would agree is very important to be very good at. TFU mentioned at this point his experience with Plastic Jesus as, "Slept with him two night, mostly harmless." Of course he was refering to the famous entry in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe where the Earth later is demolished for an intergalatic highway by the Vogons. (I read too much.)

TFU and Kennedy sang a cute french song, Frère Jacques, the x-rated version. I didn't understand some of it but it sure sounded dirty. Kennedy also showed me her pretty pink painted fingernails. I think its so cool Easy Ride let's her wear nailpolish. 

Around 5 o'clock, Muddy and family arrive, quite nicely dressed at that. Apparently Muddy's sister and brother-in-law sold a computer software business some time ago and they can now afford to dress their family. Muddy also got a new kitchen set for the next upteen birthdays. You should go by and see it. Very nice set. Anyway, Muddy demanded her hat which I sold to Panty Ho. She wasn't there so I gave her mine which she took with a venegance. Some people!

I then heard Muddy's sister worked in a Russell Crowe film and TFU tried to tell everyone I has 18 posters in my apt of him. In reality I have only 4 not counting the one on the fridge. I'm not obsessed. Really!

As the evening rolled by, it started getting a little chilly. So chilly in fact my knees were knocking. Of course being hashers people tried to warm them by rubbing them. It didn't quite get the right effect but was nice. 

The best part of the evening was the little girls and boys who were getting along so well. They played soccer and rode a 4x4 truck. The girls yukked all night and they had a lot of fun. I tried talking to them but they just glared at me. Probably thinking the same as I did at their age, Go away old woman. 

I did manage to speak with Christine and Claude's boy, Trevor. He totally slowed down the interview process as he kept shaking his head rather than talking. Had to keep reminding him to say something. Asked him about girlfriends. He had one named Alex but she wasn't cute enough. Claude had plans for any future girlfriends of Trevor, not his. They would have to go through a bikini test, swimming test, and also drink Molson. Molson? Probably a rep. What about Sleeman's Claude???

Spoke to Zeebede about hashing in Malaysia where hashers would be chased by snakes and monkeys. In fact this sounded really good on the tape but isn't so much on paper. Anyway, when I get the MP3's done, you'll see. I asked Zeedebe where the heck's he been, he said he was busy "saving the world." We then were informed that when the mayor turns on the Bat signal, Zeebede turns into Batman. This too was really funny but only on tape.

Also, had an interesting conversation with Flipper about men's organs where she had a theory she wanted to try out. Of course the problem is finding the right man to test the theory but alas, she couldn't find anyone who know "how to use it." 

A bletching contest broke out at one point but far ahead was the wanker from Ottawa who shattered a window. Holy crap, what did he ate that day??? 

Really the whole evening was somewhat of a blur for me. I do remember food, singing by Captain and Bl*w Job and have this on tape, but what I remember most of all was the lively conversations and quite retched swearing done by yours truly. Why I wasn't beat the crap out of that evening is unknown to me but I love all you guys for putting up with me!!

Notables Quotables:
I am sure you would agree that hashers are some of the funniest people around. 

"Best scribe ever!" ... Plastic Jesus refering to Double Fisted's scribing even though he has never read a word of it.
"Wanna get ‘Lays'?"- LOB wanting to get down and dirty with some female hashers.
"Salt and vinegar is the best." ... Lit' Weenie
"Woody's wife is the best," ... NS
"Give her a rum-and-coke and she'll do anything," ... Woody talking about his lovely wife.
"Get me some water woman," ... LOB asking WOB politely to get him water
"It really sucked. I can't believe you do this every week." ... Allan to the delight of NS who laughed his ass off.
"Sylvie has huge nipples." ... Grand Poutine answering to what's the best thing about Sylvie.
"If you guys kissed right now, I would be turned on." ... NS refering to someone on the tape.

Best conversation of day:
Well, I can't really print that so here's the second best.

During a conversation on shrinkage:
"Does shrinkage really occur or is it something they made up for tv?"
"Only in a cold pool."
"Doesn't happen to me at all."
"[Because] It can't go any further. [It's] preshrunk."

Addendum: 
Listen. I realize this is late but I also have a life. You try taking a night course, working full-time AND having your bathroom ceiling practically fall on you. So here it is. The bugs bites are gone, thanks for asking. I've been trying to get some soundbites from the tape into mp3's but it's been hard to arrange it. I will have the funny ones posted on the site for your persual. OAP said he liked the last joke so here is another one:

A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!" 
The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" 
The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" 
The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!" 
The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, Alright, now give me a blowjob!" 
"Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!" 
The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. 
The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!" 


Summary: 
Rainy but warm (ignore my knees), big pig, lots of horseshit, too much sand, dang cold pool, shrinkage occurs but ya gotta know "how to use it", everyone had fun and let's do it again next year!

Submitted respectfully by,
Double Fisted
Hash Scribe