Montreal Hash House Harriers
Hash Trash, R*n #246 (Ile Ste Helene aka Ile Jean Drapeau)
22-July-2001
by Double Fisted, Hash Scribe
The "Dragon Boat" or "Where's the bag car?" Hash
Hare or HAIR: (depending on intelligence level or lack of): Bl*w Job
Hashers:
Brillo, OAP, Yogi, Speed Hump, Double Fisted, Plastic Jesus, Boner, WOB, LOB, PVC, Krystal Tits, Penguin, Witchy, Panty Ho, Mustapha
Kunt, Turkish Delight, Dead Animal, Foxy Lady, Homo Erection, Numbskull, Julie, Rub-A-Dub
Virgins:
Marta, Caroline, Chris
Weather:
Hot, sticky, wet, oh you wanted the weather. Well, the same applies to the weather. It must have been 28 degrees with lots and lots of sun and humidity.
Pre-Trail:
When we arrived to the Ile Ste-Hélène, P2 was fairly packed due to the dragon boat races, so I attempted to park illegally to position myself into the best
spot to the dismay of Plastic Jesus. A lively discussion with the Parking Girl soon followed:
- Can I park here?
- No. It's reserved for buses.
- Can I park behind the bus?
- No.
- Can I park next to the golfcart?
- No.
- Can I park next to the bus?
- No.
- Can I park over there?
- No.
Not getting anywhere, I moved and parked illegally anyway, next to the admin building. Still good parking and a good distance away from the Parking Girl.
As we crossed the pont leading to the metro, we ran into Poo Bare who was not horribly stable on a pair of rollerblades. She informed us that the runners had
just left, so we hustled to the carpark in an attempt to catch up.
In the carpark, I heard someone say my name. It was Boner whom I haven't seen since the 2nd hash of the year where the bar "almost" ran out of beer.
Obviously this experience freaked him out so much he was hesitant to return. What kind of
hash "almost" runs out of beer? He was waiting for Krystal Tits to arrive but we
then found out by calling her that she had left with the walkers. Plastic Jesus and Boner started out and left me behind with their gym bags.
10 litres of sweat later, I saw Boner return, red and sweaty. He lost Plastic a way out and decided to come back and sit for a while then proceeded to suck
back a litre of Gatorade without offering me any. So, I got up to buy a bottle of
water. Boner offered to get me a bottle but I felt that would be charity (which reminds me of the RED DRESS RUN to be held on August 26. Be sure to promote the
event and collect pledges from friends and family. Corporate donations accepted as well. Please excuse the obvious attempt to rouse you wankers into action!)
So I dragged my body to the vending machines which informed me that I was $1 short
for the $2 dollar bottle of gold water. $2 dollars for water??? What has society
come too and why didn't I get there first?? I yelled at the machine which got me
some bizarre looks from passerbys. The yelling helped me feel better and I
walked back to the bench and Boner.
We then debated on whether we should stay or head to the basin where the down
downs were to take place. After all the basin is a large basin, as the dragon boat racers know too well.
We called Krystal Tits to find out if she was at the On-In yet, but she was
behind and was lingering leisurely with Marta and Caroline due to their
enormous consumption of alcohol the night before. I had called her the night before,
leaving a message and knew she was drunk since she had returned my phone call the SAME NIGHT! That and she was slurring alot on the phone.
Not getting any decent answer from her and seeing no beer materialize in front of us, we decided to set out and take our chances. How hard can it be to find a
group of drunk, lazy ass, sweaty wankers on a Sunday afternoon?
So, we hauled out and ran into Plastic and Numbskull on the pont where Krystal called me again and asked where the On-In was. I was really confused and
delirious due to the loss of 10 litres of sweat earlier and misunderstood Numbskull when he was descibing the On-In. I told her to just walk towards the
Jacques-Cartier Bridge.
(I've just realized that I didn't actually run so I have no bloody idea how the trail was and therefore, there cannot be a "Trail" section of this Trash. Apologizes for my lazy ass. I can say from Plastic's description of the trail that there were many backchecks and must have been short.)
As we approached the On-In, everyone seemed to be relaxing in a fun and whimsical manner. With my car now properly parked, Boner and I got down to the
business of drinking. As I was about to open a bottle of WILDCAT(???!!!), I was promptly informed by Yogi the WILDCAT DRY (???!!!) was a much better choice.
I managed not to stuff my foot in my mouth this week while speaking to Homo Erection and even had a chance to chat with Chris, the newcummer. BJ was
determined to name the newcummer Strap-on Dildo (Did I spell that right cause 1. I've never touched one. 2. I don't require one. 3. I don't think it's a word
they add to a spell check. ) We had a conversation on the front-to-back motion à
la Rocky Horror Picture Show associated with the name. He moved his hips pretty well and hoped he was making someone very happy.
It was a nice leisurely day next to the big hole in the fence.
Down Down's:
The down downs this week were most interesting with the many interruptions we encountered. The first being a Chinese guy who had a dead battery. I quickly
volunteered to boost his car so the circle can be continued without further disruptions. Another being 2 ruly rowers who passed THRU the circle. Yogi took
the opportunity to make them feel welcome by askingto them to remove their tanktops, of course, only to trade them with his sweaty attractive hash
t-shirt.
Both girls looked at us with that look we know sooooo well and continued
walking. He then claimed he wanted the tank for his girlfriend. Surprising enough, one of the girls returned with the said tank and offered to trade it. Yogi was open to getting naked and thrust off his t-shirt. Later in the circle,
Krystal Tits and friends decided to show up which I thought was very nice of them. One of the girls begged to sit down but we gave her a beer and told her
to shut up already.
BJ for many reasons, one of which was being the hare. I missed his renaming to Blown Job, no doubt given by the quality of the trail or lack of.
Chris for being a newcummer. Homo Erection for something or other. Chinese guy getting a boost for leaving his lights on.
Rub-a-Dub for assuming Brillo's position in the dragon boat. Krystal Tits, Caroline and Marta for getting lost.
Everyone who DIDN'T get a down down for being good. Mustapha Kunt for not fouling the trail.
Again, old-age and associated memory loss prevents me from listing all down
downs.
Post-Trail:
Hash cash was taken by yours truly as the current Stand-in Hash Cash was resting
in her car. There was a handy Jeep nearby so I hopped onto it. Have I ever told you about the time, actually it was a Durango but... well perhaps later. It was
shocking to me that the GM didn't have hash cash, and taking Just Julie down with him. After all he DID run back to his car to retrieve some items. Doesn't
it only make sense for him to get money too? Others who wanked off were OAP, Foxy Lady, Dead Animal and Turkish Delight. Let this be a warning to all of
you.hahah...muhahahahahh.... MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Let's forget about the fact that
I disfigured the car and I really feel bad about it. Plastic Jesus had taken the
incrimating evidence with him but of course left it in my apartment so now itsin a safe place. Perhaps we should make a trophy out of it and let the
Ottawa wankers try to steal it.
After hash cashing, and many dollars later, Plastic and I went to the casino where I let it ride on 13 and... whoops, just kidding guys!
In reality, a discussion on soup started, probably initiated by myself, and I became very hungry. An early departure was warranted and off we went for a
lovely dinner. We left in a blaze of glory, shouting f*ck you and flipping the bird to the remaining lovable hashers.
Hash Fashion:
(Being formerly in the garment trade, I think this a great addition to the trash. All credits/ disapprovals for Hash Fashion should be sent to Krystal
Tits)
Caroline and Marta definitely wins this. Tanks with petal pushers and 2 inch sandles isn't usually hash attire but they made it work. Yes, they were in pain
but it hurts to be beautiful. LOB the Moose is a weekly favorite as well. Who can resist a man in a moosehat?
Summary:
I was late, it was bloody hot, "Can I park here?", the car was boosted, Yogi tried to get naked, Krystal was back, and the beer flowed. What else do you
want?
More rubbish:
Like all writers who detest their editors, the two Hash Scribes received that dreaded email with instructions. After consulting with each other, we've
decided to make each other happy and trash the editor. More details to come.
Pls note: Krystal Tits, as Hash Scribe, will hereby learn everyone's hash and nerd name as soon as possible. After the last trash where she replaced Witchy
with Flipper and later, receiving an email stating the fact, she should now be forever tested on each and every hasher's name at every circle. She, of course,
apologized for the error but I believe she should by now, know everyone's hash name since she has been hashing since October!
Ok, a joke -
Being a virgin, Bob was very nervous about his upcoming wedding night, so he decided to seek the advice of his friend John, who was quite the local Romeo.
"Just relax, Bob," counselled John. "After all, you grew up on a farm - just do like the dogs do."
Right after the honeymoon the bride stormed over to her mother's house in tears and announced that she wasn't going to live under the same roof as Bob for even
one more night.
"He's totally disgusting!" she wailed. At first Bob's bride resisted her mother's attempts to find out the exact nature of the problem, but finally she
broke down.
"Ma, he doesn't know anything at all about how to be romantic, how to make
love. . . he just keeps smelling my ass and pissing on the bedpost!"
Submitted respectfully by:
Double Fisted
Hash Scribe
Unrelated R*n Information:
DRAGON BOAT RACING!
Three Cheers to the Dragon Boat Racers who toughed out the hot Saturday to come Dead f*ck Last in the Charity race with the time of 1:27.09. Earlier in the
day, they came in 3rd with a time of 2:51.1 and later raced with a time of 2:45.09
only to get disqualified for not having protection. So remember you wankers that
if you don't have protection, you shouldn't be stroking.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, F*CK YOU!!
Happy birthday to all you who have celebrated or will celebrate your aging and your one step closer to death!
Mustapha Kunt:16-Jul
Jingle Balls: 25-Jul
Old Cheddar: 27-Jul
Turkish Delight: 29-Jul
Eat Me: 05-Aug
RED DRESS RUN 2001
The t-shirts are designed, fund-raising has begun for the August 26 charity run and do you have your pledge sheet yet? You can download any information you
bloody need - http://www.geocities.com/montrealhhh/rd2001
CAN VS. BOTTLE DEBATE:
I am not sure if this has been debated or emailed but after perusing the hash site I fell onto this collection of emails. A must-read for all you who have pondered this very dilemma. I think we should encourage Captain to obtain a federal grant to study this phenomena.
Date: Thu, 28 Jun 2001 13:22:19 -0400
From: John D. Strang
To: David Saunders
Subject: RE: Beer shlepping 101
Numbskull, a very reasonable and intelligent question indeed. Please forward my response to OAP as I do not have his address.
Simply put, Cans Suck.
Benefits of cans:
Cans are lighter. (consequently a drawback as well, see below)
Drawbacks of cans:
Cans (due to their light weight) will blow away in a moderate/strong wind, even when partially full.
Cans are more expensive overall even though you get 14 more ML per can the cost per ML is
still higher.
Cans make beer taste funny as the metal tends to react with the natural acids in
the beer. Beer bottle glass is inert.
Cans are made of aluminium which is hard to spell and most people mispronounce as "aluminum"
(aah-loo-min-um) which can greatly confuse the beer drinking class and take away
from the full beer drinking experience. (Consequently, there has been clinical studies
that have shown a link between excess intake of aluminium and alzheimer's disease, which
undoubtedly leads to the forgetting of the proper spelling and pronunciation of Aluminium)
Cans are less environmentally friendly. Beer bottle design was standardized overall several
years ago and painted lables were done away with such that any normal beer bottle can be
washed and refilled by most any beer manufacturer where cans are often discarded
due to their low return value, and even when recycled, need to be re-smelted with
fresh metals and nifty chemicals in order to be made into usable material again.
Cans are highly conductive of heat meaning that although they do tend to cool fast they
warm up even faster, especially when held in the human hand (as they often tend to be)
where they rapidly transfer body heat to the beer, and no one likes warm beer. The high
heat conductivity also shortens the storage life of the beer.
Cans are highly conductive of electricity meaning the likelyhood of being struck
by lightening on a rainy day hash would increase by a factor of approximately 3141590.
Cans are less comfortable to hold.
Most nifty prize/contest offers are done with bottles, not cans. Can't look under the cap
of a can.
Cans don't have beer caps that you can collect and/or fling at people.
You can't peel the beer lables off of cans so you can get laid.
The edge of cans are sharp and can cut you lip or fingers.
You seem to need long fingernails to open cans.
Cans aren't fallic symbols, drinking beer out of bottles is more fallic and increases
your chance of getting laid (especially if you can successfully remove the beer lable
without ripping it)
Cans aren't as structurally sound as beer bottles which can be used as couch legs, table
legs, to block tires on your car (to prevent the movement of the vehicle when it
is on the jack), boxes full of empty beer bottles can be used as a stool, and to hold up
the hood of your car.
You can't install a nipple on a beer can.
You can't re-seal a beer can to keep the freshness in while you go to the store to buy more
beer.
Hope this helps,
Captain Canada
-----Original Message-----
From: David Saunders
Sent: Thursday, June 28, 2001 12:34 PM
To: Stan Ilieff
Cc: 'John Strang'
Subject: Re: Beer shlepping 101
I have forwarded your message to former dray Captain Canada, who no doubt
can shed light on the cans vs bottles debate.
NS
On Thu, 28 Jun 2001, Stan Ilieff wrote:
> Hello Dave,
>
> As I have been volunteered (by Mustapha the K and Brillo -'She Who Must Be
> Obeyed') as designated Dray, I want to know why we purchase beer in bottles,
> rather than cans.
> If there is a substantial price difference, than so be it. However, if cans
> are the same (or nearly the same) price, would not the efficacy of humping a
> case of 24 cans be greater than that of bottles?
>
> OAP
