Montreal Hash House Harriers

Hash Trash, R*n #247 (Plateau Mont Royal)
29-July-2001

by Double Fisted, Hash Scribe Hare: The birthday girl herself: Turkish Delight! (Okay, no more references to her birthday for another year!)

Hashers:
Krystal Tits, Dead Animal, Foxy Lady, Brillo, Oral Supplement, Captain Canada, Tigress, Eager Beaver, Homo Erection, Piss Phobia, Mustapha Kunt, Just Julie, Numbskull, LOB, WOB, PVC, Panty Ho, Muddy Nipples, TFU, Double Fisted

Newcummers:
Eric, Pierre 

Out-of-Towners (but now an In-towner):
Rush-In Please

Weather:
Hot, very hot. The sun would not go away. I suppose it was 100 degrees out but others would say 28. Nice fluffy clouds in the sky. The kind of day you wish you were with Kenneth, the Rain God.

Pre-Trail:
I dressed quickly to arrive at the cool pad of Mustapha Kunt and Turkish Delight to enjoy making a mess of the place by blowing ballons and hanging streamers. (If I need to tell you why then bugger off.) I realized Muddy Nipples must have had a sheltered childhood since this was the first time she's ever blown up ballons. Hopefully Mustapha will post the pictures of Muddy blowing up ballons soon. They are hysterical!! I told her you have to pucker up an hold the ballo gently with your teeth and your fingers so the air can go through without the ballon blowing away. Of course this advice can be applied to other activities as well, well, everything except the teeth part.

Trail:
The hashers came in slowly to pay hommage to the Birthday girl and to sweat like cows (cows sweat don't they?). After a rather exceptional explaination of the markings for the out-of-towner and newcummers, we went north in search of the flour and chalk.

The first marking was a bit hard to find. Of course it was right across the street but we're hashers and we do everything the stupid way. So down the alley we went and down another street. Turkish outdid herself with the backchecks which threw everyone off.

We found one of the Tit-checks where only those with Tits could check. Okay, "Tits" is a cool word and all but nothing is better than "Scrotum". Now say it aloud - everyone now - "Scrotum." God MUST be a female. Mustapha Kunt at the very sight of those chalk tits, fell over his own feet to get a better look. The blood must have rushed somewhere other than his brain at that time. Mercifully I found the right (tit) way and everyone followed then passed me.

Right about this time, there was a bit of trail confusion and the walkers caught up with us at this time. Rather disgusted at the stupidity of the runners, I joined the walkers. Yes, Julie, I did say I was tired but this is the real reason.

The walkers sauntered along St. Urbain at a leisurely pace chatting about everything from the Koran (Julie knows WAYYYY too much about the Middle East. Don't get her talking about female circumstition) to gunshot wounds (Homo Erection treated the mob guy who survived the shotting near my apartment. Apparently Homo Erection is tracking the expeditures of the hospital. Maybe he should be the new Hash Cash, but I think working for the hospital would be easier.) to how I could develop one of those sun-blocking machines like Mr. Burns did on the Simpsons...

During the walk, Chris appeared without any other runners appearing. He seemed lost but was confident he could find the trail. Apparently he did and found his way back a-okay.

When I got back to the carpark, I found many of the runners had mud on their knees. Several of these mud marks got onto the wonderful, 7-month-wait (That means it took 7 months of the couple to GET the ) couch. Again disgusted, I took upon myself to drink myself into a stupor, thinking maybe if I drink myself into a coma Turkish may not notice the stains. I didn't of course, because I woouldn't be able to drive to Ottawa but you know.

Down Downss
The DDs could not take place, we were informed, because of the old wanker who lives in the courtyard. Yes, the very same one who told us to bugger off at the 200th run. Turkish brought out a "the good" shower curtain for us to spill beer on. Then remembering my bad memory I took notes from the DDs. I only hope I can read my own writing... Needless to say, it will be easier than reading Numbskull's writing.

Homo Erection for a demonstration.
Eric and Pierre for being newcummers. Upon being asked what's your favorite position, Eric replied," Right wing" whereas Pierre answered, "In the middle."
Being a fireman, I am sure Pierre had a few chances at this. They started drinking BEFORE the song at which Rush-In Please refilled their beer. Didn't they watch the demo?? Homo erection was brought out again to demonstartion because they couldn't get it right. 
Rush-In Please for being a visiting hasher. She sang us a lovely song, "Take me out to the Bar."
Just Julie for doing 5 runs.
Krystal Tits for doing 25 runs.
Eager Beaver, Muddy Nipples, TFU, Oral Supplement, Tigress for being returnees.
Brillo for sending out a virus by email to her "real" friends. (Brillo forgive me, you sent it to my old address...)
Turkish Delight for being the hare. When asked about the trail, cries of Too cold, too short, not enough fales trails, not enough barbed wire were heard. All-in-all a great trail.
Lost property was found. Of course, when claiming their property, the daft hasher would have to "Sing us a song, tell us a joke or show us your tits."
Mustapha Kunt's remote was found and he came up and flashed his tits, which was rather flat. he was called in a again for the found batteries as well! 
Rush-In Please claimed a SIN card.
Homo Erection for treating the mob guy.
Challenge between Piss Phobia and Double Fisted for what, I couldn't tell you. 
Turkish Delight for her birthday.Krystal Tits suggested the Hawaiian 5-0 theme in honour of TD's 50. So we sang it.
PVC for her new job where we sang "Rule Britannia."

RA Offenses:
Julie, and Dead Animal for calling on a shortcut.
Mustapha Kunt and Piss Phobia for fouling (imaginary or not) the trail.
Rush-In Please for making up stupid rules like not drinking with your right hand.
Mustapha Kunt for daytripping on the tits.

Naming:
Chris was named Piss Phobia for not being able to piss, but when he does, be sure to pull out a mop. (Okay, that's a lie but it's funny isn't it??)

Hash Fashion:
All the men who had dirty knees. It matches the dirty palms and faces. You said men couldn't match. An honorable mention to Rush-in Please for wearing overpriced jean shorts. I am not naming the so-called "designer" but who runs in jeans? in 30 degree weather?? Go figure - Americans.

Post-hash;
The famous hash quilt was unveiled. Everyone was thunderstuck at its sight. A big thank you to everyone who took the time to make this simply fab quilt. I'm not gonna name everyone since I am liable to forget and therefore offend someone, you know who you are. It looks great!! (Remember you can win the quilt! Each $25 you raise for the RDR entitles *YOU* to a chance to win the MH3 Quilt!!)

Mustapha cooked some dogs and everyone ate real good.

Hash Quotes: 
"It's like watching a vacuum cleaner." - Captain Canada on watching Rush-In Please do her down down.
"I'll come again." - Just Eric to Numbskull
"There are a lot of disgusting hash songs." - Foxy Lady
"That was the best 7 1/2 seconds of my life." - TFU
"Why is she sceaming?" - Foxy Lady referring to Double Fisted's rhetorical RA'ing

Again a joke:
An elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.
The preacher faces the camera and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my
healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of
your TV and the other hand on the part of your body that ails you, and I will
heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand
on the television and the other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband
approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and the other hand
on his groin.

With a frown, his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not
raising the dead."

Summary: Someone turn the sun off already, Ohhhhh hot dogs, yummmmmy potato
salad, COLD beer, Get your damn, dirty paws off me!!, and Happy Birthday
Turkish!

Submitted respectfully by,

Double Fisted