Hash
Trash - Runs #258 AND #259
Version
#1 - Montreal version
Version #2 - Boston version
Version #1 (Montreal)
Montreal Hash House Harriers
Apple Harvest Hash, aka ITCH 2001
Hash Trash by Speed Hump, stand-in Hash Scribe
Apple Hill, Ontario, Saturday, October 6th, 1 PM
(+ Hash Jet Lag)
Hares : Cod...the animal, Total F*ck Up
Where was it ?
I couldn’t say precisely, since we were all following a car who knew. In the middle of nowhere. In France we would say "dans le trou du cul du monde" I am sure no one needs a translation…King Edward Hotel they call it, pretentious name, but quite a nice pub finally. No hill, no apples (i mean in trees, but, yes, lots in a plastic bag). But a wonderful antic attic church where some found and bought a very classy item to drink in. No, not an engraved crystal glass, nor a china piece, but a rusty bed pan (apparently sacred in Toronto, it seems to be a long story…) !!! Awful weather most of the time, little moments of sunshine though, just to be bothered looking for the f*ing sunglasses, finding them in time for the next drops of rain. Beautiful colors of Canadian fall though. But cooooold !
Who was there ?
Lots from Toronto, Ottawa, Boston and Montreal. Some of them we are used to, some we don’t see often. Opportunity to know new, funny, original, shy, exhibitionist, dynamic and crazy people.
Ottawa : Fat Ass, Captain Hook, Penniscilin, Finger
Lickin’good, Scratch-n-sniff, Plastic Jesus (see also Montreal)
Toronto : Kazoo and Trix R4 Prix
Boston : Cod…the animal, Wolfgang Von Blitzf*cker, Muffalotta, CreamWhora and
Mutton Drapes, his pet girl-friend (Bestiality’s best boys..))
Montreal : Easy Ride, Foxy Lady, Dead Animal, LOB, Muddy Nipples, Eager Beaver,
Crystal Tits, Boner, Rub-a-dub, Mustafa Kunt, Turkish Delight, Numbskull, Just
Julie, Double Fisted, Plastic Jesus, Witchy, Penguin, Speed Hump
The run
Loooovely…sorry, rubbish.. Flour blobs across the blazing woods, open fields, little stream, bushes, along and across the railroad and on the train. Down the train, back on the railroad, in the mud, and then after crossing a farm with horses ( "intercourse with a horse, boy…"), a lovely log cabin, a forestry museum, nested in a flaming wood, and Total F*Up bringing beers, apples and even apple juice. It has even been reported that there was a gentleman to cut the apples for affected ladies. The sun showed up generously for a while, lots of pictures, showing FLG’s tits (Muddy Nipples was shocked and wrote it for posterity in the f*ing book), enjoying beers and apples, gathering around picnic tables, then a warning for cops coming, bottles between legs under men skirts (yes, yes), no more cops, more beers.
After a while, just in time (the rain started again) came a trailer, driven by Richard Burton (I actually didn’t recognize Marcus-Antonius, so handsome Cleopatra’s lover, but we are all getting old…), and we settled on hay bunches and started our way back to the King Edward.
Well, I haven’t seen so many moons in daylight, I confess (french speaking will appreciate the word), even one with a tattoo, was it the Torontian ? Hope those moons are not too cold now, their owners in bed with fever and congestion… Cause it was freezing up there, and of course raining again. Some pissed on cars, jumped or fell down, came back, pissed again, almost every men showed their ass, Kazoo was quite unstable and fell on Trixx who generously sprayed me with her apple juice, and we all were singing silly songs.
All this was very funny, really crazy. I wonder what people who were passing us had thought…Well, might be not too bad, no cops were sent!
After run
Back in the warmth of King Edward, with the same clients than before the run, a bit disrupted in their peaceful day…Beer in abundance, but also snacks and then the circle, and then Finger Lickin’Good screaming "Everybody sign the book ! Have you signed the book ? Here is the book to sign ! Yeeees, FLG, we aaaall signed the bloody f*ing book
Down-downs, some of them in a nice and classy rusty sacred bed pan
So many, in a crazy ambiance that I can’t remember all of them, sorry about that.
Then Captain Hook, Plastic Jesus and a third one I don’t remember, had to plunge their heads (who said head ?) into a bucket to pick up apples with their teeth…and the winner is …Captain Hook, who got an unfair down-down for it. Poored water on the floor was cleaned by Mary Poppins-Total F*Up appearing suddenly (from where ?) with a big vacuum cleaner…
All this funny mess was followed by a delicious BBQ cooked by Easy Ride (the man who cut the apples, remember ?), cheeseburgers, peppers, salad, and also onion rings and fries, and more beers.
Leaving around 5, after great fun, since the ITCH w-e was going on in Montreal that evening, for supper, dancing and more beer.
My conclusion will be very simple :
When is the next Apple Harvest Hash ? We could have a Pumpkin Harvest Hash, a Christmas Tree Harvest Hash, a Maple Sugar Harvest Hash, a Strawberries Harvest Hash…and so one.
Any volonteers ?…please !
Speed Hump
NB : Did I put enough F* words ? I did my best, I swear... but yes, I can still improve !
Photos from this hash are available on the Montreal HHH photo site: http://photos.yahoo.com/montrealhhh
Apple Harvest Hash #2, aka ITCH 2001 (the Montreal r*n)
Hash Trash by Speed Hump, stand-in Hash Scribe
The Hunt for the keys Hash
St Henri -- Sunday, October the 8th
Hares : Plastic Jesus, Double Fisted
Present : Muddy Nipples, Total F*up, Just Julie, Numbskull, Foxy Lady, Dead Animal, Homo Erection, Rub a dub, the 4 Bostonians, the 4 Ottawans (less FFLG), Turkish Delight, Mustafa Kunt, Count Chocula, Witchy, Speed Hump...and later, after the battle, Yogi.
The run
A to B. Double Fisted’ to Total F*Up’. Everything which will be needed brought by the car of Double Fisted.
Well, worse weather than ever, rain, hail and even the first snow of the season, quite cold also... Flour blobs and chalk, or what remained after on an off showers... Some of the hashers thus still enthousiastic, couldn’t apparently run anymore, was it the weather or the typical hangover hash attitude ? But others were still in shape, or trying, or willing... The run was short anyway...fortunately for everyone.
Run around the Canal Lachine which is always nice, than through the Atwater Market...hmmmm nice smells, fruits, cheeses, rosts, catering of all origins. I would gladly have made a stop there. A bit crowdy though and difficult to run around people, and embarassing to yell on-on at every blob...
Than I found myself alone (but not worrying for me since I was sure not to dye of hunger in that place) but looking for Count Chocula, who has never been in that area, and whom, though tall is still a baby which you may not have noticed (if I can see the quantity of beer some of you serve to him...(-:)...
But then he appeared, rescued by Fat Ass who has been through worse situations all around the world...
Going back on Notre-Dame straight to Total’s welcoming deck...just in time for the hailstones...One of them that Dead Animal who stayed quite young as well, threw right on the head of his furious wife...
Down-downs
the hares, as always, for rubbish run, not enough blobs, bad weather...
non participating (a tampons story), Muddy Nipples and Speed Hump
fouling the trees, Mustafa and Captain Hook
too many bang bangs for Captain Canada
delicious food for Double Fisted
Once again my old age doesn’t allow me to remember all (I’ll take notes next time) but i am sure that the Bostonians had one, the Ottawans also (maybe for something or just beeing there among us, or not coming enough often...). Witchy was the RA, with humour and talent (she should have the position : I vote for her).
I had one also because someone accused me to have lost Anna’s keys... which was wrong.. I swear, I had set them carefully in my back sack in order not to loose them, in the contrary... It might be a machination, just to sing me, instead of "ou sont les cles" : "ou est le pa-pi-er"...which seems to be a master piece of the repertoire...And to equilibrate that European thing, we also sang the german anthem, which is not bad neither. Then, speaking of Germans, we all signed on Wolfgang von Blitzf*er’s and Cream Whora’s ITCH t-shirts.
The circle was dismissed to pounce on the oriental buffet, which was absolutely delicious.... so delicious that there was nothing left for Yogi who came just after the battle...right in time, fortunately to give a lift back to Muddy Nipples.
A quelque chose malheur est bon (no idea of the translation, sorry).
To summarize : rain, hail, snow, short run, tired hashers, too many down-downs to mention, cruel accusations, Europeans anthems, silly songs, delicious corean supper...ans so on.
And to finish a French-Canadian joke.
Deux paysans se rencontrent en Beauce (let’s say in Beauce cause there is a Beauce either in France and Quebec). L’un montre un chien :
il est tatoué, c’chien lo ?
ben oué, il est ta moué, pourquoué ?
Version #2 (Boston)
Boston H3 On Tour: B.I.T.C.H. 2001
"B..oston I..n T..own C..reating H...avoc"
-in association with "I.T.C.H." (“It’s That Crazy Hash”)
-this stop on the "tour":
"Canada, the 51st state".
This is the "Unabridged" and “Unabashed” version of a Hash write-up/tale of 4 brave Boston Hashers (& a "mascot") and their misadventures in the "Great White North".
We compiled MANY notes for this epic saga so that our story may be told...
The events that occurred during this long weekend are bound to make you laugh, make you cry, make you ponder the meaning of life... it might even frighten you…
Save it for later, if you might not have the time to read it all now.
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Date: Fri.-Mon., Oct. 5th-8th, 2001.
Start: Fri.: Somewhere in Ottawa - near "Peniscillin"'s place.
Sat.: Somewhere in Apple Hill, Ontario - near f*ckin' nowhere...?
Sun.: Somewhere in Montreal - near "Total F*ck Up"'s place.
Mon.: Trek back home to Boston.
Theme: "ITCH" & "Apple Harvest Hash/Canadian Thanksgiving Hash"...
... and for the BH3-ers participating, "to add to the wreckage... left tumbling in the wake
of our "'B.I.T.C.H.' Tour".
Beer Checks: Too, too many to list.
OnIns - OnAfters: Too, too many to list.
Scribes: Myself (CreamWhora), and my faithful sidekick & loveslave, MuttonDrapes (my stuffed sheep).
Weather: Partly sunny, to drizzly, to downpouring rain, to snow, to a freakin' HAILSTORM!!
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Day 1: THE FRIAR F*CKMOBILE
Our story begins on the warm and sunny morning of Friday, October 5th...
Cod the Animal & Muffalotta pulled into Riverside T-stop to pick up WolfgangVonBlizF*ucker, myself (CreamWhora) and my partner in love-crimes, Mutton Drapes. They arrived to pick us up "in style" with the trusty "Friar F*ckMobile" (on loan to us by the gracious FriarF*ck - thanks again).
We loaded up to the banjo theme song "Deliverance", and we bellowed, "Cry havoc and let slip the sheep of lust!"
With that, the B.I.T.C.H. Tour 2001 was underway, launched forth & northward to the 51st state!
The FriarF*ckMobile's ability to "fold time & space" made an otherwise uneventful trip bearable, and it's clever use of navigation through wormholes allowed us to reach Ottawa in much less time than our Canadian Hash brothers & sisters had anticipated... without breaking any major traffic laws.
We were kept amused during our journey by the interesting nooks and crannies of the F.F.Mobile.
FriarF. has beautifully appointed its interior with little trays filled with coins, peanuts, trinkets, paperclips, alien-technology (“The Information Center” on the dashboard – FOR REAL) and assorted small vegetation.
A f*ck’n petri dish/science project on his dash! It was truly an adventure, exploring the wilds of the F.F.M.
I'm thinking of writing to the "E" channel and telling them they should do an episode called "Wild On... the Friar F*ck Mobile". :O)
The border crossing into Canada could've been disastrous. COD (who was driving) passed our identification to the border guard, as he was asking if we were all U.S citizens. COD's immediate response was "yeah, yeah"... not thinking/remembering that there was a Danish/Swedish citizen aboard (yours truly) ...ooops!
Amazingly, NO cavity searches and NO incidents! Stunned after our easy passage across the border, we resigned to the idea that the guard must have been in total awe of the FriarF*ckMobile. Therefore he was distracted enough to not pay attention to the ruffians inside the minivan with darkly-tinted windows.
10th ANNUAL PEROGIE HASH – Turkey Trot
We arrived at Peniscillin's place, in Ottawa, late in the afternoon. It was Peniscillin’s 10th annual Perogie Canadian Thanksgiving Run. Never ask Canadians about their Thanksgiving. You will get 10 DIFFERENT responses!
We pre-lubed a bit before the run... and just before dusk, it started to rain and we started our run. Muff was turning heads with her tight-fitting “French Maid” which got soaked in the rain...exciting for many indeed. Wolfgang was tooting his horn like there was no tomorrow.
As I was new to this Ottawa Hash, I don't specifically remember the attendees to this run (except that Peniscillin was one of the hares, with Fat Ass, Finger Lickin’, Captain Hook, and many recognizeable faces in the crowd)
Through the rain & darkness we ran like fools, with brass horns on MY head. (W.S.Head?) We had a beecheck in a ravine, by a small river & dam... and had multiple "full-moons" on display... truly a scary ASStronomical phenomenon! - pictures soon to be developed. We then had another beercheck at... ummmm... I forget his name (but he has an old & beautiful 356 Porsche in his garage - yum!). Several hashers took turns being live hares and COD was given the sack of flour and a 40 second head start....being slow as sh*t and f*ck’n clueless about his whereabouts, he proceeded to run the pack into heavy Ottawa traffic. That stint ended abruptly.
Soaked, tired and bewildered, we wove our way, up & down, through hill & dale until we found ourselves back at Peniscillin's. Once there, we were treated to an exceptional meal - including some moose meat. Yum!
My glorious brass Viking helm was curiously missing/stolen at the end of our meal... and Ottawan Hashers were subjected to my interrogations... and whining. The helm would remain "M.I.A." for that night.
A brief circle was called and random false accusations were made. Afterwards, the Boston Hashers and a few Ottawans were off to FingerLickingGood's fine home for an On-After and crashspace.
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Day 2: APPLE HILL - NO Apples… NO Hill…?!?
We awoke to a dismally overcast & chilly day and headed to a local "greasy spoon" for a hearty breakfast.
2-eggs, bacon, HASHbrowns, toast & coffee for about $3!! At that price, a couple of us ordered two of those breakfast's a piece! Bellies were filled and there was much rejoicing. We soon convened outside in the parking lot and prepared for our caravan eastward towards AppleHill.
That's when disaster struck!
Mutton Drapes, my cherished lamb-love, was kidnapped out of the F.F.Mobile by heartless fiends from Ottawa & Montreal! My heart & spirit were crushed with fear & panic... horrid thoughts of what these lust-crazed Canadian Hashers might be doing to my beloved.
Halfway along our trek to AppleHill, through tear-filled eyes, I saw my precious Mutton Drapes being abused & molested by the perverts in the vehicle in front of us. The things that we witnessed through the windows of our cars... ooohhhhh!... ~sobb~ ~sobb~...
Ohh, the horror... the horror...
Anyways, the end of that kidnapping tale will be forthcummin.
On a "brighter" note... another carload of Hashers, well infront of us, decided to take it upon themselves to pull over beside the busy highway... then to moon innocent & horrified "civilian" motorists. Hmmmm... I think I saw a few cars weave in the road from the reflected glare off of the multiple moons. It looked like a freakish commando operation to see this happen with such precision, speed & effectiveness.
We were all SO very proud of them!
We finally made it to Apple Hill.
In typical Canadian-logic fashion (heh heh heh): In Apple Hill, there are NO orchards, NO apples (maybe a few in a grocery store)...
… and, yes, NO hills. What tha' ?!??...
Who was there?
Ottawa : Fat Ass, Captain Hook, Penniscilin, Finger Lickin'good, Scratch-n-sniff, Plastic Jesus (see also Montreal)
Toronto : Kazoo and Trix R4 Prix
Montreal : Easy Ride, Foxy Lady, Dead Animal, LOB, Muddy Nipples, Eager Beaver, Crystal Tits, Boner, Rub-a-dub, Mustafa Kunt, Turkish Delight, Numbskull, Just Julie, Double Fisted, Plastic Jesus, Witchy, Penguin, Speed Hump.
The Hares: COD the Animal & Total F*ck Up.
The circle-up went off without a hitch and introductions were made. With bellowing of horns, the shrill of whistles being blown and the ominous sound of a tooting locomotive in the distance, we were off! The trail immediately plunged us through all sorts of shiggy. A machete would have been very handy. Brambles, tall grass, weeds, pricker bushes, barbed wire... yes, barbed wire, were abound...and then for an added surprise and with impeccable Hash-timing; the trail and the pack were rudely bisected by the same train we had heard in the distance during the circle up....What brilliant & cunning PLANNING by the hares!!! (Cod’s addition)
Confused and crazed, we stood, we paced impatiently and watched the train creep by us. Slowly, one by one, the bravest and most impatient members of the pack decided to jump onto this slow-moving train to make it to the other side with the FRB's. These were apparently the same tracks that Prime Minister Trudeau’s body had passed on.
Most made it off the train, some didn't... until a little further down the track. Lucky for those who were still on the train, the train finally came to a stop so that they could run back to rejoin us. When the train finally came to a stop, the Hashers waiting & stuck on the other side scampered & flowed up and over the train-speedbump, like rats leaving a sinking ship. ...There were actually 2 trains headed in opposite directions around the same time so we did more than our share of dodging trains!!
Once again, Hash-timing struck!... because some of the Hashers that were "pulling up the rear" of the pack were suddenly startled by the train that had just started to move again. Panic ensued. I was able to "capture the moment" with a camera. The looks on the faces of the Hashers that were still on the train -at the moment it started to move - are priceless. These pictures will also be forthcumming soon. Then, it was back to some more rough shiggy were one of the female Canadian hashers ended up to her WAIST in a mucky, reed-filled stream.
THE HAYRIDE
The pack also had to navigate past some electrical wires/fences and horse manure...but everybody made it through unscathed. After that misadventure we, at long last, made it to the beercheck. There we found beers, of course, AND a special treat; a strange and flavourful mixture of apple cider and Southern Comfort liquor. And... oh yeah... a bag of apples. The only apples spotted in Apple Hill that day. We rejoiced and sang Hash songs until the next surprise;
A tractor-pulled hayride... complete with bales of hay, beer, booze and a large, somewhat rickety, wagon.
Hashers enthusiastically piled on. Soon, we were along our merry way. Horns & whistles blowing, moons-a-shinning at every passerby & house along the way... and a multitude of songs were cheerfully sung.
Some highlights of this rolling spectacle of debauchery included Plastic Jesus dropping trow while on the back of the haywagon and his attempt to piss onto the bag-car's windshield following behind us. Windshield wipers were called into action - but were not needed. Much to Plastic Jesus' and our discontent, his tallywhacker & bladder suffered from a bit of "stagefright" and he was not able to tinkle off of the moving wagon.
He then resorted to "Plan B"... "jumping off, in S.W.A.T. team fashion, tucking-and-rolling into the ditch".
His facial expression in "mid-roll" was hilarious. He "took care of business" on the side of the road and hopped back onto the wagon a bit later. He was given a down-down later for "outrunning the tractor", in defiance... and the jumping back onto the wagon. The hayride took a sudden & chilling turn for the worse. A steady, cold rain began to fall. Sometime later, freezing & thirsty, we arrived back at where the trail began...
... and at the On In.
The On In was at the "King Edward" -a fine establishment- except it had this awful SULPHUR smell which the most vile FART could not rival....and they bobbed for apples in a bucket of this water after the down-downs!!!
Many down downs were given out. Of course, that's not unusual at a Hash... but, what WAS unusual... and "unusually cruel", was that down downs were done out of an old, dirty, fouled & somewhat rusted bedpan that some Hashers had seen on the way to the run that day.
I'm not sure if it was bought (I can't see anyone else seeing any value in this thing... except a Hasher)... or if it was simply found on the side of the road in Apple Hill. Nevertheless, one Hasher pulled his finger across the inside-bottom of the bedpan and left a very clear, distinct & long mark. The thing was filthy!
What then?
Well, we simply filled it up with a little beer, spent a few minutes scratching & rubbing the foul crud off of the bottom of the bedpan with a bare hand... and then voila'... it was clean, at least by Hash standards… and then it was ready to be used as an official Hash drinking vessel for down downs. Bobbing for apples was actually done afterwards after the down downs. Half of the malodorous water was spilled onto the floor during and after a wrestling match to get apples.
After the mayhem, we retreated to an absolutely delicious BBQ that had been expertly tended to by Easy Ride. Also, one of the owners(?) of the bar is a HUGE hot pepper fan (as I am) and he brought out several peppers, all pickled with Habanero peppers & juices! He's "known for his HOT peppers" and he likes to show off how hot & tasty they are... and they were definitely THAT. Yikes! Some of us were “on fire” after eating a few of those... the next morning wasn't pretty either. For the Hashers with tamer palates;... cheeseburgers, an assortment/mix of chopped & grilled green, yellow, etc. ("regular")peppers, a salad, onion rings & spicy fries were part of the tasty vittles enjoyed... oh, and lots of beer to wash it all down with.
My personal highlight for the entire day was when my beloved Mutton Drapes & I were finally reunited after long, long negotiations with the dastardly kidnappers, Witchy & Penguin. Revenge will be mine next time I visit Canada! ;O)
Also, my prized Viking brass helm was graciously returned to me after our feast.
Then it was 5 o' clock.
Time to saddle up and to get the mighty Hashing caravan moving eastward again
- to lay siege to the fair city of Montreal!
MONTREAL
We, Bostonian Hashers, headed(W.S.Head?) over to Total F*ck Up's place in Montreal, to shower and make ourselves relatively presentable to the public/civilians. We then left to meet up with the Hashers from earlier that day. I must say that Mutton Drapes was unusually anxious and excited. Somehow she KNEW that she was going to have a big night ahead for her. A banner night. There was electricity in the air!
We left TFU's apartment and met up with the other Hashers at Marlowe’s, a surprisingly nice restaurant. We ate very good meals and all was good & civilized... for a while... but, alas!... like restless children that've been at the dinner table too long... we couldn't contain our Hash instincts & childish immaturity. A spitball war erupted... It was waged up and down a long row of connected tables that we were all seated at. Soon after, the warfare escalated up to catapulting small food-stuffs & icecubes. Dead Animal, Foxy Lady, and Oral Supplement seem to be the main culprits. The highlight at dinner came when Witchy, Captain Hook, Penguin, et al, sang us Bostonians a stirring and memorable rendition of our NATIONAL ANTHEM!
It's a dang miracle that we weren't thrown out of there. I think that some of the Hashers present know the owner(s)/management... &/or a lot of the people in our party frequent that establishment and drop a lot of money there on food & drink. Also, we spent a good amount of cash there that night. After a truce was called and the bill was paid, we all strolled a short distance over to a bar/dance club called "Cheers" - no affiliation with Boston's "Cheers".
Ohhh... I must say that Mutton Drapes could hardly contain her excitement when we first got in.
Luckily, her ID wasn't checked at the door by the bouncer. She's still much too young for such places and I feared being caught bringing a minor into the joint... and then getting myself in BIG trouble for it!
Luckily, she acts older than she is. She's "been around". ;O)
Hmmmm... y' know?!?... now that I think about it... it's kinda' funny that I wasn't worried at all about bringing my sheep into a bar for a good time. I think it's common for Canadians to take sheep (or other fine livestock) "out on the town" here. It gets awfully cold & lonely through the long stretches of winter up there.
Anyways, once inside there was much carousing and exuberant sillyness amongst the Hashers. It was very contagious! Infact, it was enough to push Mutton Drapes "over the edge" with her self-control. She just wanted to "let her ears down" for the night and go wild... and she proved it by exploding out onto the dance floor with many Hashers. Yes, I admit that I was a bit embarrassed by her behaviour, as she became a dirty little "dance-wh*re" with anyone that glanced her way... but, she had been through a rough ordeal with those barbaric kidnappers... so, I let her have her fun. We all danced and were merry.
The evening drew to a close... farewells were said... and the Bostonian Hash contingent went back to Total F*ck Up's place to crash for the night. The next day's Hash in Montreal promised to be a good one, and we needed a good rest. Poor Mutton Drapes was exhausted. She had quite an eventful day and night. She was only "feeling up to" nuzzling & cuddling until we drifted into a sweet slumber together – hoof in hand.
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Day 3: HANGOVER HASH IN MONTREAL
The next morning began partly sunny, then became overcast in a hurry. Total F*ck Up took us out for a most interesting sight-seeing jaunt in his area of Montreal. We spent a long time walking around & through a very busy and friendly, European-like, semi-outdoor, open market (“The Atwater Marche Market”) that was a virtual cornucopia of culinary delights. It seemed to have almost everything to offer. It was a genuine treat that awoke all the senses. Nothing like the Faneuil Hall Marketplace where things are thrown together and you don’t always get the BEST.
The produce selection was immense. There were outrageous assortments & varieties of vegetables, berries & fruit.
Being perverse Hashers, we were forced to buy a very large & tremendously phallic "squash-like" gourd to bring back for the Hash that day as a trophy. A huge range of meats(some very strange), & fish were on hand.
We ended up stopping for a bite to eat at MY favourite area of the market.
There we were... aaahhhh... gloriously immersed in the fragrances of a wide range of cheeses, decadent pastries & desserts and ...mmmmm... our noses were swimming in the luxurious and intoxicating aromas of hot, fresh-baked breads. Heaven.
Anyways, we ate, felt very satisfied, and then tore ourselves away from the market and prepared for the Hash.
We saddled up the F.F.Mobile, fired her up, and then hit the road, for a short distance, to Double Fisted's place - where the run was to start. We circled up in Hash tradition and were soon off on trail.
Who was there?
Present : Muddy Nipples, Total F*up, Just Julie, Numbskull, Foxy Lady, Dead Animal, Homo Erection, Rub a dub, the 4... ummmm... 5 Bostonians, the 4 Ottawans (less FFLG), Turkish Delight, Mustafa Kunt, Count Chocula, Witchy, Speed Hump...and later, after the battle, Yogi.
The Hares: The dynamic duo - Plastic Jesus & Double Fisted, aided by Scratch N’ Sniff
The trail began as most do.... whistles blowing, confused Hashers, confused & scared onlookers, children being pulled off of the streets by frightened & concerned mothers as we run & stumble by them... y' know, the same old mayhem.
Then came the light drizzle... ok, "no big deal"... then came a cool rain... ok, "it's getting a little uncomfortable"... then it became a bit colder & wetter... then it starts to snow… “holy sh*t, it’s getting nasty”... and then...
... THEN... it f*cking starts to HAIL! Pea-sized and larger hail pelted the bewildered & cold Hashers! Trail marks that were already being dissolved and washed away were now being hidden by accumulating hail!
Ohhh, the Humanity!
COD and Scratch N’ Sniff took a shortcut and ducked into a reptile shop to avoid the HAIL. COD recounted a creepy scene surrounded by black widows, tarantulas, snakes, and scorpions.
Most of us weren't prepared for these conditions. Most of the Hashers had light jackets or windbreakers on. Some wore shorts. I, for one, was COMPLETELY unprepared, wearing a windbreaker, shorts & Birkenstocks. Duh!
I think the only Hasher wearing appropriate gear was good 'ol Mutton Drapes, because she had a nice, soft, wooly, albeit stained, coat… and all-weather hooves.
Wolfgang was being overly chivalrous by helping Oral Supplement over every fence we had to surmount. He got a much deserved down down for that.
Still, through the harsh elements, the determined Hashers trudged on, undaunted by Mother Nature's wintry fury and nasty sense of humour. Yeah, "Ha Ha" , Mum! Very funny!
The Hashers remained steadfastly focused on one thing, and one thing only... their almighty quest for "BEER" and merriment! The trail that we DID run was nevertheless very good - especially considering the weather conditions.
The trail led us under bridges, across narrow scaffolding/bridging over canals, and through a deserted, and very post-apocalyptic-looking industrial building that was heavily laden with very cool graffiti & art. We were told that this site has been used in several big-budget movies, including a Mad Max movie.
Since a small frosty group of 4-6 of us were pulling up the rear of the pack, we missed most of the intended run and some of the other adventures that awaited us on trail... or rather, the now "washed away or hidden trail".
Fear not! Our keen sense of direction and acute nose for where the beer & the On In was allowed us to shortcut.
Note: The small fact that one of the hares (Plastic Jesus) was with us during the trail DID help us find the On In and achieve our "quest for the beer".
The On In was at Total F*ck Up's, where there was a lot of beer to reward the hearty Hashers. Double Fisted had also laboriously worked up a Korean feast for us. Fat Ass also made a nice contribution with his fantastic flair for cooking. It was very filling and just what chilly Hashers needed. Many beers were consumed.
With our gullets warm & full, we circled up (actually it looked more like a "drunken & wobbly ellipse"). Many, many accusations -false and true-. Countless down downs were had... sans-bedpan this time, I believe.
COD, WolfgangVBF and myself had our Hash shirts signed by most of the Hashers present. Soon after, Hashers went back to their respective homes to shower & clean up for another night on the town. The Boston Hashers did the same, at Total F*ck Up's.
After showering, we left TFU's to meet up with other Hashers. Mutton Drapes was "on fire" again, wrought with cheerful anticipation. We first went to an upscale jazz/blues bar. I think it was called "Biddles". It had a great blues band with a woman who had a very sultry voice. We think that the singer's provocative nature & voice stirred something deep within Mutton Drapes, because she soon found herself up on stage with the band. As the singer was ready to break into “I Will Survive”, Mutton Drapes couldn’t contain her enthusiasm and shouted,
“GGGGO GGGGLORIA!!!”, and leapt up on the stage - to the absolute horror of the audience.
There are pictures of this spectacle being developed as well. The Hashers started to become restless and it was decided that we should go to a place that offered dancing, louder music and more rowdy & obnoxious people - so that we could "blend in" better. I forget the name of this place... but it was just what we needed... a sing-along place and , once again, Mutton Drapes threw herself up on stage with the band. Nothing was going to stop her from having a good time that night!
We danced, sang and "made merry" deep into the night and eventually made it back to TFU's to crash for the night.
********************************************
Day 4: THE TREK BACK TO BOSTON
The next morning, we slowly awoke and cleared our heads. It had been a good, rough night before. We were sore in places that we didn't think were possible. Mutton Drapes was very sore too... but, we won't "get into that".
TFU, being the consummate host, made a delicious breakfast for us all. After breakfast we sat around reminisced and laughed about the entire weekend. It almost didn't seem possible to have done SO much and had such a good time... all in the timespan of just 3 days... and no one got arrested. That was a plus.
We said our goodbyes and threatened to visit each other. Then we powered up the Friar F.Mobile and pointed it southward. Once again, the trip was fairly uneventful... with the exception of when we were making ourselves back across the border. We waited in traffic at the border for about 45 min.+. The U.S. troops had just starting their bombing campaign in Afghanistan so we expected delays at the border.
The "routine" was that a border guard would ask a series of questions of the occupants in the vehicle and then look
at their ID's, etc. Then he would ask the vehicle to move forward about 10 meters, where there'd be another border agent waiting to ask you to pop the trunk/hatch of you vehicle and then open your baggage for inspection.
It seemed like EVERY vehicle was being subjected to this careful & thorough search.
After the border agent asked us a bunch of questions handed our ID's back to us, the other agent infront of us (who was searching the cars infront of us) walked up to our agent and said a few words to him. He then proceeded to walk towards the rear of the Friar F.Mobile and then passed us. That's when the other agent said that the other agent had to deal with a traffic problem behind us... and that we could just proceed without being searched. UNBELIEVABLE! We had flour, a pig blowup, Mutton Drapes, and Hashers inside… and they waved us on?!
Stunned, after our easy passage across the border, we AGAIN resigned to the idea that the guard(s) must have been in total awe of the FriarF*ckMobile and therefore distracted enough to not pay attention to the freaks inside.
We arrived back in Boston in the late afternoon/early evening... weary, broken, bruised, in need of a shower, in need of some "quiet time" and lots & lots of "recovery sleep".
I'm sure that I speak for the entire 4 person (& Mutton Drapes) Boston contingent of the "2001 B.I.T.C.H. Tour", when I say that we all faded off to sleep that Monday night with murmured, sleepy chuckles... and with lazy smiles on our faces... as streams of images from the weekend-past flowed by in our heads (W.S.Head?).
Aaaahhhh, yes... beer, laughter, singing, dancing, buggery, great meals, shiggy, rain, snow, hail, a kidnapping, some petty larceny, trains, filthy bedpans, a hayride, multiple moons, beer, Mutton Drape's misbehaviour, merriment and general mayhem. This was certainly a recipe for a joyous weekend. A weekend we won't soon forget.
The weekend most definitely received a "Thumb-nanimous" vote for a good time!
Thanks go out to our Ottawa, Apple Hill & Montreal Hashers AND new friends for a great time and shared laughter.
Very special thanks go out to Finger Lincking Good and Total F*ck Up for providing us with their generous hospitality and crashspace.
OnOnB.I.T.C.H.Tour-2001
Your humble "B.I.T.C.H. Tour" scribe,
~CreamWhora.
:O)
ohhh!... and
Mutton Drapes.
:O)
Bo Strandnes